Attente..

La parole "je vous aime" n'entourera jamais la passion que j'ai pour vous.
C'est une simple baisse dans un rempli d'océan avec que qui vous appartient seul.
Le faire mal de mon âme, la palpitation de mon coeur, les soupirs exaspérés de mon corps qui a besoin de vous avec me.
Fermer vos yeux et me voit, me tous vous attendant.. mon "l'un" n'abandonne pas, je prie que qui est pourtant d'être.. que qui est signifié pour être.
Pour il y a non autre et j'à jamais aimerai.. elle qui porte mon coeur.

Fade

...it's all ended and I've no chioce but to accept blame.
Hands shaking still and can barely see through saturated pupils.
It hurts more than expected as I've been here before, but alone I'm not with no where to camouflage with the abstract.
Neck hurts...sign that my heart is in a quandry as it knows not how to glide along the rhythm set divine, in turn the pressure rises.
I can see my reflection in this screen..worn I am.
Not crying but tears keep flowing as though my heart's purging as sadness pours...My love is never enough..

Gone..

There are some things in life that just throws you for a loop, time and time again. I've been through that loop till it knows my every curve, dimple and crease. I believe in things whole heartedly and throw myself in completely on faith. What for... Why...cause i truly believed. I believed you loved me and the words you uttered you meant. I believed your promises to be true and held onto the faith i had in what i thought was a true love. But alas...I failed cause words are just words and action seems meaningless to the unwilling to trust. I'm weary...tired..burnt out. I cannot plunge through yet another loop.

To "Her"

I sit here..hands shaking, tired, soul bare and heart wilting.
I've been here before...
I can't hide.
You see through every facade, barrier with the silent stare of your hypnotic eyes.
Why am I here? In this spot where we should be...
It eludes me but...
I can't hide.
I want the silence we have where you feel my words and respond in kind
Should I wake you from your slumber as it is no longer mine?
I know not what, where, when, or why it came to this but..
One thing we've in common..
I too can't trust.

Changing things..

I've decided that it's about time I stop waiting for things to happen and just do it like NIKE!
So with this said, I'm heading to the battle field...I'm gonna start dating again starting tonight...

Chasing Pavements

So I'll cry till it hurts no longer and I miss her no more, then I'll send her love and light.

Changes..

"Things change.." these two simple words have had such a magnified effect on my subconscience now. In retrospect I can link this to almost every aspect of my life now..the question is, for the better or worse? We grow, we learn, we transition to bigger and hopefully better things  but it's not always a cherry pop ending. I wish not for an ending but a continuation of normalcy. Hmm..what is that exactly.."Normalcy" Things we're used to, things that we connect to, things that are the norm without a flinch or flicker. I yearn for it and hold onto it when it's dear to me. You are my normal, you are my steady hold when everything goes awry, you are who I require to stay. If or when that changes..cause "things change" my normal will no longer exist and neither will 'we'.

Your Q-est

The mirage of sun kissed skin lightly covered by silky sand, holding hands all three of us, making footprints in the sand. This is how I envisioned one of the most precious moments in my life to be. Walking along the seashore with my wife and daughter in tow. How unfortunate is it that my vision had been so distorted that it’s no longer exists. I’ve always thought of myself as a strong minded individual, one who when sets her mind to something no matter hell or high it’s accomplished..well I’m very “bad lucky” when it comes to matters of the heart. I’ve been hurt so many times over so many years that I’ve now upon reflection realize how badly I’ve hurt a past love in particular.

Things had been done and said that I cannot, no matter how much I try to, undo. I loved you with all I had for you but unfortunate events weighed heavily on it and beyond our control things spiraled out of our loving hands and into a doubtful, spiteful and sometimes hateful place. I fucked up, I’ve admitted that and you have as well…for that thank you. We’ve both been hurt and it still affects us in different ways. I’d hoped that we can somehow, in some way meet and talk as you’ve wished to finally close a chapter that’s been long idling on the end. But I realize that with your hurt you’ve now dragged me back to a place that I fought too hard to remove myself. I’m sorry for all that happened, but I refuse to go back to that place. I pulled myself out with help from loved ones but it was ME who did it. You need to do the same. If you are not actively willing and doing things to help yourself, there’s not much I can do for you.

The time will come where you’ll realize that you’re at the bottom of an abyss with no one to assist, then and only then will you fight to scrape yourself out of there with sheer hope, strength and your own ability. I’m still scraping and I’m nearing the top, it’s long and treacherous but feels amazing, cause I’ve done it myself.

Well hello there again...

“Life is too short to be anything but HAPPY”

I’ve this as my BB background, I’ve this an a reminder of how precious and delicate life is, I’ve this as a self-motivating tool in an effort to propel myself forward to goodness and blessings. Yes indeed this is my meger attempt at painting a smile on my face and heart when the curtains draw on their own. I’m fucking thirty years old now!! Good God thank you for that blessing and so many more that I tend to omit either by choice or as a sidefeect of age (lame joke #1)

So…what’s been happening in my life since December last? Too much to recall and this one’s by choice. More lows than highs in certain aspects of my life but better ground when it comes to my career.

Love? Hmmm…what’s that again? *searches for dictionary* oh ho! That word again..well. *sigh* yea I’ll pass on that tid bit too.

Nyssa! My fav topic all day and night..she’s amazing J Proud mommy I always am as my daughter is turning out as best as she can with a lot of prayer and blessing and LOVE. She’s all the love I’ll ever need and require and oh! I bought myself a strap on so yea…that area is covered *thunder clap for woman power* lol

I’m in a better place than I was and I’m thankful for that, I’ve regained friendships that I swore was lost forever, I’ve other friendships on hiaetus (spelt wrong I'm sure & don't have the energy to spell check right now) cause well you know lesbians…woman come/ friends go lol.