Seeping..

It feels like a twinge in my soul. Like pieces of you drip into this void that's made to gather up your essence. I feel it every time she contacts me, every time he speaks about anything other than our bond, every time I'm in that lonely place. My skin knows the feeling of steel...cold, hard bliss. The memory seeping into me when stress outweighs strength. Too many people can relate unfortunately, especially in our lil glbtq commune. We're linked after all arn't we? Hmm...interesting. It's not like an addiction you know..it's like rest, like a cold drink on a fucking hot day lol. It saves. I've got a new savior though, well another...codine. No I'm not an addict..we've been over this. This too saves, God knows i need the sleep.

Snooping

Don’t exactly know why I’m searching for her, not that I want her back you know…just wanna see what she’s up to.

Feel as though I’m her new stalker…don’t want to be cause I know she’s doing the same to me.

None of my passwords have change and she knows them all…I know she’s snooping.

I’m not going back down that road.

I hate her pic now..it’s so damn sad like..I made it that way.

Yes…indeed I did.

The Disease

Feeling myself getting more and more lazy, or am I just accustomed to not giving a fuck.

When I decide which it is, I’ll fill you in.

She’s a lot happier now, I know this to be true

She wiped me off her history and been flirting up a storm with past femmes

Blocked me from everything and everyone

Can’t say I blame her friends for doing what they did

Deep down I know val was jealous, she wants her all to herself

Mad cause she’s not the focus and I am now…well was.

Fucking drama queen.

Saying she was just friends and don’t think of her that way, but calling her “Teddy Bear”

Bitch please, Tae needs to check your ass…damn fool.

That Jasmine Sullivan song…I know it reminds her of me.

Everything that hurt, as sweet as it was.

I can hear her version of it now..talking about me like a disease..lesbian love, the worst of them all.

Just when I though I'd be calm..

Never fails..
Just relaxed my brin just enough to focus on work for a hot sec...she calls.
Should've expected it though, she'll do anything for me, even if it's against me.
Yeah...should've expected it.
There are so many funny things about this whole situation
Like..
I broke it off cause I couldn't LIVE the way I was any longer
I couldn't keep that life up, fuck man I have a child to think about.
And blast me or not but nyssa comes first, she comes before ANYONE
...damn her for making me loose sight of my main role.
I plucked my child out her family environment thinking "you know what. fuck this, I deserve better"
Hmm...I don't deserve shit.
Starving myself to pay rent and bills, giving nyssa an inferior life and I mean LIFE.
From food, cause I never had enough to give her proper healthy meals
To health care, cause I couldn't afford to take her for doc's visits or buy her vitamins
To attention, cause I was always so tired and stressed from working like a slave to get paid and worrying about how I'll pay her daycare fees.
When things got really tough I had to stretch foodstuff and go days without breakfast or lunch just to make sure Nyssa had.
Huh..and she calls me 'weak'...saying I couldn't endure. What a fucking joke.
While she had her life, her family, kept up her lifestyle I was suffering my child for the hope of a better life with her. Fuck me...yes fuck me indeed for doing what so many lesbians deem appropriate when they suffer their child's life for their "love"
And she calls me weak..Fuck you (!!!)

"Q"

Sometimes I wonder what it would’ve been like to still be with her

To be 100% in love and devoted to her and our relationship like the fantasy I had

I wonder sometimes what she’s doing different since I’m no longer in her life..

What her mother must think of me or rather what excuse she made to explain me.

 I wonder if she lost the weight and if she’s eating or sleeping

I wonder if she’s stopped thinking about me and what she thinks of me now

God knows I warned her, warned her over and over again but…she wanted it.

Everytime I stopped the flow, everytime I even hinted that something was off

She guilt my ass into changing my mind, into changing my direction…damn.

She read me so well but not well enough for a psych masters

No one can truly say they know me…damn, I don’t know myself

I tend to not give a fuck about anything or anyone

i blank it all out so it’s nothing personal, it’s just how I deal

I’ve been a loner from birth, from the jump, from the womb.

Looking back now after years of praying for my parents to reconcile she really did the best thing.

Leaving that bastard behind and moving forward not looking back was the best thing for us.

I only wish I stayed home for my schooling.

Home…I dunno where that is anymore

I used to think it was Palo Verde, the five bedroom blue & white mansion

Or is it Trinidad, diego martin to be exact…where I’ve stayed for 20 years.

I don’t know anymore…I never did.

I used to switch it up to fit in you know? Different personality traits to fit the mould and I was good at it. I was friends with everyone, not assigned to a particular clique’

Felt good to be the “hey girl!” walking through the school…that was ages ago.

But to this day I’m still a loner, not assigned to a particular clique’

....Story of my life.

Down Monday...

Today’s a down day.

Seem to be having a lot of these lately but I’m fighting ‘em with ‘ma fist and shit…yea right.

Twitter’s been good to me; sad but true.

I revel off people’s tweets my fav’s being @djlilr and @queststarr don’t mind they foine as fuck….fukkkkkkk lol.

Bleh…

Been raining and shit hit the fan Friday evening JUST when I wanted franz to visit.

Seems like I move ½ a step forward to fucking trip in my steps and flop backwards…just my way to express myself I guess.

I’m a fuck up and I can thank Ian Hernandez for that! Don’t even wanna think about that mess.

Carla and they are coming for Carnival and I’m not sure how to process that.

It’s like I want to see my family… but in the end or beginning I don’t.

I’m a true loner to the core like molten lava, got no quams about stepping out and not coming back.

Allergic to bullshit and fuckery.

locs or curly locs..ah fuck it.

Dreads aint for Latinas

How the fuck I managed to grow this shit with my gorgeous hair…god alone knows.

Joint be locked with curls at the ends and shit.

Cha-ching!

Today’s a better day…pay day.

Ain’t no love can fk with that shit…money the real definition of love.

You get that shit, use that shit, be satisfied then pissed the fk off when it’s all gone…lmao!

Damn fools…

They say the usual blah blah about love lost…I calmly and most politely say “fuck you and u best choke on my strap”

Well…that was before I dumped it along with everything that reminds me of her.

Wasn’t easy but it had to be done.

Again…fuck love, I rather spend the money.