Day 1, Week #4...Resumption

Nothing new, except for the fact that it's increasingly apparent that I won't be seeing Eric anytime soon. My hair is still holding on and I've stopped cutting my nails; they're so brittle and soft. Haven't grown my nails in such a long time it feels weird. Saved the cut locs as suggested to sew back in once my hair regains strength...can't imagine loosing my hair.Colored it to feel a lil better about myself, so I'm a bit of a red head; gotta do sumthin u kno. The nausea's not as bad so I'm thankful. Let's see if I can have un hallaca for lunch.

Still here

The days still fend for themselves as I watch the clock seemingly stand still whilst things progress not always as they should in my opinion. Decisions masked by hurt or heart, both one in the same for quite a while now. Fables told by whose were brave/foolish enough to come against the 'great unknown'...pure fuckery I say to those who doubt me...it never lasts. One thing I know..there's for damn sure no fucking guarantee in this shit people call 'love'.

The Reply

I am hurting from my soul to my skin but that's beyond anyone's understanding but mine. Thing is even though you tried to listen you never understood. You hear and believe what you want to but that's o.k, we have have our moments. As for your concern...thanks but it's not necessary. Home...what do you think that is exactly? The one I shared before you came into my life like a jolt of life or the one that's left the shell I carry with me now. It's neither. It's a work in progress so she'll have somewhere stable to rest her head and know mommy worked till she passed for everything she has. You say his name like it's a curse for you alone but know if you care to, only one other shares my bed..and she's the only one that has. One thing's for sure you don't and will never understand lest you share my skin. My nightmares began the day I took my first breath and you nor anything we shared was an addition. Just as the glimmer in your eyes the first moment both ours met, so is the hate u have for me now...and so it will always be. I'm not "untouchable" cause you will forever have a part of me, whether you want it or not.

Tick to the tock

As time goes by I feel myself growing weaker, getting older, feeling less and less myself. I feel everything inside of me bubbling, filtering, escaping. My breath goes shallow as the night wears on and I hear it escape from my lips everytime I say "Sorry". Matters of the heart mutate from love to hate on a micro line that's easily tread. How life changes in mere moments when you hold on to the so called good times. For me...it was all a pain influenced haze.

Don't test me.

Boiling in the midst of rage.
Heart racing, teary eyed, pores raised and seeing red.

Day 1, Week #3

Drinking mint tea this time around, so far so good as I only threw up twice. This shit don't get any easier and I'm still freezing. They decorated the ward..huh, still hate being there no matter how pretty they make it look. It rained this morning so it's extra cold finger tips light blue. Wonder how I'd look in that shade, not clothing though...skin. Washed my hair last night 3 came out. They just twirled out between my fingers...it's started. Or should I say ending...? Taking a two week rest, gotta try look ok for x-mas. Positive thoughts and mind will follow, if I manage to keep this up I'll be well enough to see Eric and what's left of him. Hoping I'll be strong enough to see my brother through this neuron haze.

Snip snip

I'm cutting loose ends, getting rid of the hurt and anything that's not apart of my life any longer.
Yes I've cut so much already, from friends, family, things i used to do and love and my flesh. But this time I'm snipping off from the roots...everything that went awry and doing it for good. Cutting the locs off today, fuck I'd do it  now if I wasn't at work. Only grew it for her. FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKK I wanna scream till the heavens tremble, till the earth shakes...till she fucking hears me while whispering sweet nothings to her new "sweet thang". I should cut them off and send them to her along with an x-ray of the tumor. FUCK U "Q" imma take it all off before the chemo does that way I'll save on blades.
I need a razor stat!

A smile so sweet

Mustered enough strength to attend Nyssa's Christmas Concert. She smiled and sang like the true angel she is but failed to mention that she had a lead role in one of the many acts...pumpkin played Rudolph :) She shook her wooshy bam bam and sang as the crowd of parents laughed and sang along in delight. Awww..my baby was so happy and I too, never mind the heat damn near melted my flesh. Nyssa was great along with all the other kids today. Smiling.

Day 1, Week #2

Today was easier but harder at the same time. Don't think I can ever get accustomed to this shit, mind you the saving grace it might be. The poison filled vile that punctuated my life like a great exclamation!...and not the good kind. So far today's turned out to be a bit better as I know now what to expect...though the side effects are getting to me. Trust it's not a pretty sight. Stomach decided to make loops before I even bought the blasted mints and I'm pretty sure I popped a vessel as my right eye's swollen, dark and hurts like a mofo everytime I blink dammit. Oh well...looking forward to some quiet time as I choose which I'll light up...my fav. being purple.

Blue Waters

I imagine myself floating on a bed of blue crystal bliss staring at the sky and all it's beauty. Wondering what's out there that's just for me. I close my eyes and listen to sounds the undercurrent beneath me as I swish and sway all the while soaking the sun's rays into my soul..hoping it'll ignite something rare and wonderful. I can't imagine anything more peaceful, more calming, more serene than this moment..and I adore it. I want to hold onto it like when a baby catches your finger and plays with it not letting go for a breath. I want someone to hold onto me like that. Embrace and absorb me with utter urgency and let their spirit mix with mine to create a new essence...something rare and wonderful. So I imagine for another minute that it's holding onto me like that night on our way home from the airport. Alas it's nothing more than this thing inside me eating away at me...like....like heartbreak.

Ill

Everything...
Side effects fully kicked in now.

Flirts

While it rolls off her tongue with ease, I lay and await the vile filled with the poison.
 She utters soft soothes that make their clits pop and heart melt and I..I just shake my head in disgust.
9 months she says, like it's a sentence. I too have not been there with anyone special. "Special" what the fuck does that mean anymore. Close to your heart? Someone you trust? Or someone you let in enough to steal some hurt away..? Hmm...I remember those flirts. On to the next for her it seems.

Sopa

So I got a bit of something to stay down just enough to digest..well most of it I hope. Watching the time tick-tock by and I can't wait to wash back my savior and hit the pillow. Yeah..I'm a work-a-holic no one in my condition would even consider being at work right now. But fuck it..shit requires my attention and I'll be here barfing the acid out my stomach; let my boss send me home. Shoulder, back and head hurts too; feels like something always hurts on or in me. I should call this part "Story of My Life II" lol..yeah I'm laughing at this..sick isn't it? Yeah..I am. After a year of her bugging me to visit the doc..well maybe she'll be happy I did or not. She probably don't give a fuck...oh well. Wonder if I'll be stuck in a room on a bed sapping up soup with a tough piece of loaf one day. Maybe she'll come visit me with her new femme and rub it in my face of all that I could've been...oh well. I'll have another sopa and see how it plays out.

Day 1, Week #1

I'll give you a tip...don't ever get sick. Treatment is most definately for the strong willed. Went to bed praying and awoke in the same state...hoping I'd make it through. Easier said than done. Got in early and didn't wait very long to be next, air was cold as ice and anyone who knows me know I hate the cold. Was nervous cause I was alone..even though I'm used to it. Zoned out when it started and only came to when the side effects kicked into gear. Been sucking on mints to not throw up...Fail. Force fed myself some watery shit making it worse..but i had to keep something down. One good thing deserves another so I'll try again when I get home...unfortunately that's hours away and I got a long day ahead, thank god nonetheless.

Saga continues in 1 week.

Seeping..

It feels like a twinge in my soul. Like pieces of you drip into this void that's made to gather up your essence. I feel it every time she contacts me, every time he speaks about anything other than our bond, every time I'm in that lonely place. My skin knows the feeling of steel...cold, hard bliss. The memory seeping into me when stress outweighs strength. Too many people can relate unfortunately, especially in our lil glbtq commune. We're linked after all arn't we? Hmm...interesting. It's not like an addiction you know..it's like rest, like a cold drink on a fucking hot day lol. It saves. I've got a new savior though, well another...codine. No I'm not an addict..we've been over this. This too saves, God knows i need the sleep.

Snooping

Don’t exactly know why I’m searching for her, not that I want her back you know…just wanna see what she’s up to.

Feel as though I’m her new stalker…don’t want to be cause I know she’s doing the same to me.

None of my passwords have change and she knows them all…I know she’s snooping.

I’m not going back down that road.

I hate her pic now..it’s so damn sad like..I made it that way.

Yes…indeed I did.

The Disease

Feeling myself getting more and more lazy, or am I just accustomed to not giving a fuck.

When I decide which it is, I’ll fill you in.

She’s a lot happier now, I know this to be true

She wiped me off her history and been flirting up a storm with past femmes

Blocked me from everything and everyone

Can’t say I blame her friends for doing what they did

Deep down I know val was jealous, she wants her all to herself

Mad cause she’s not the focus and I am now…well was.

Fucking drama queen.

Saying she was just friends and don’t think of her that way, but calling her “Teddy Bear”

Bitch please, Tae needs to check your ass…damn fool.

That Jasmine Sullivan song…I know it reminds her of me.

Everything that hurt, as sweet as it was.

I can hear her version of it now..talking about me like a disease..lesbian love, the worst of them all.

Just when I though I'd be calm..

Never fails..
Just relaxed my brin just enough to focus on work for a hot sec...she calls.
Should've expected it though, she'll do anything for me, even if it's against me.
Yeah...should've expected it.
There are so many funny things about this whole situation
Like..
I broke it off cause I couldn't LIVE the way I was any longer
I couldn't keep that life up, fuck man I have a child to think about.
And blast me or not but nyssa comes first, she comes before ANYONE
...damn her for making me loose sight of my main role.
I plucked my child out her family environment thinking "you know what. fuck this, I deserve better"
Hmm...I don't deserve shit.
Starving myself to pay rent and bills, giving nyssa an inferior life and I mean LIFE.
From food, cause I never had enough to give her proper healthy meals
To health care, cause I couldn't afford to take her for doc's visits or buy her vitamins
To attention, cause I was always so tired and stressed from working like a slave to get paid and worrying about how I'll pay her daycare fees.
When things got really tough I had to stretch foodstuff and go days without breakfast or lunch just to make sure Nyssa had.
Huh..and she calls me 'weak'...saying I couldn't endure. What a fucking joke.
While she had her life, her family, kept up her lifestyle I was suffering my child for the hope of a better life with her. Fuck me...yes fuck me indeed for doing what so many lesbians deem appropriate when they suffer their child's life for their "love"
And she calls me weak..Fuck you (!!!)

"Q"

Sometimes I wonder what it would’ve been like to still be with her

To be 100% in love and devoted to her and our relationship like the fantasy I had

I wonder sometimes what she’s doing different since I’m no longer in her life..

What her mother must think of me or rather what excuse she made to explain me.

 I wonder if she lost the weight and if she’s eating or sleeping

I wonder if she’s stopped thinking about me and what she thinks of me now

God knows I warned her, warned her over and over again but…she wanted it.

Everytime I stopped the flow, everytime I even hinted that something was off

She guilt my ass into changing my mind, into changing my direction…damn.

She read me so well but not well enough for a psych masters

No one can truly say they know me…damn, I don’t know myself

I tend to not give a fuck about anything or anyone

i blank it all out so it’s nothing personal, it’s just how I deal

I’ve been a loner from birth, from the jump, from the womb.

Looking back now after years of praying for my parents to reconcile she really did the best thing.

Leaving that bastard behind and moving forward not looking back was the best thing for us.

I only wish I stayed home for my schooling.

Home…I dunno where that is anymore

I used to think it was Palo Verde, the five bedroom blue & white mansion

Or is it Trinidad, diego martin to be exact…where I’ve stayed for 20 years.

I don’t know anymore…I never did.

I used to switch it up to fit in you know? Different personality traits to fit the mould and I was good at it. I was friends with everyone, not assigned to a particular clique’

Felt good to be the “hey girl!” walking through the school…that was ages ago.

But to this day I’m still a loner, not assigned to a particular clique’

....Story of my life.

Down Monday...

Today’s a down day.

Seem to be having a lot of these lately but I’m fighting ‘em with ‘ma fist and shit…yea right.

Twitter’s been good to me; sad but true.

I revel off people’s tweets my fav’s being @djlilr and @queststarr don’t mind they foine as fuck….fukkkkkkk lol.

Bleh…

Been raining and shit hit the fan Friday evening JUST when I wanted franz to visit.

Seems like I move ½ a step forward to fucking trip in my steps and flop backwards…just my way to express myself I guess.

I’m a fuck up and I can thank Ian Hernandez for that! Don’t even wanna think about that mess.

Carla and they are coming for Carnival and I’m not sure how to process that.

It’s like I want to see my family… but in the end or beginning I don’t.

I’m a true loner to the core like molten lava, got no quams about stepping out and not coming back.

Allergic to bullshit and fuckery.

locs or curly locs..ah fuck it.

Dreads aint for Latinas

How the fuck I managed to grow this shit with my gorgeous hair…god alone knows.

Joint be locked with curls at the ends and shit.