The mirage of sun kissed skin lightly covered by silky sand, holding hands all three of us, making footprints in the sand. This is how I envisioned one of the most precious moments in my life to be. Walking along the seashore with my wife and daughter in tow. How unfortunate is it that my vision had been so distorted that it’s no longer exists. I’ve always thought of myself as a strong minded individual, one who when sets her mind to something no matter hell or high it’s accomplished..well I’m very “bad lucky” when it comes to matters of the heart. I’ve been hurt so many times over so many years that I’ve now upon reflection realize how badly I’ve hurt a past love in particular.
Things had been done and said that I cannot, no matter how much I try to, undo. I loved you with all I had for you but unfortunate events weighed heavily on it and beyond our control things spiraled out of our loving hands and into a doubtful, spiteful and sometimes hateful place. I fucked up, I’ve admitted that and you have as well…for that thank you. We’ve both been hurt and it still affects us in different ways. I’d hoped that we can somehow, in some way meet and talk as you’ve wished to finally close a chapter that’s been long idling on the end. But I realize that with your hurt you’ve now dragged me back to a place that I fought too hard to remove myself. I’m sorry for all that happened, but I refuse to go back to that place. I pulled myself out with help from loved ones but it was ME who did it. You need to do the same. If you are not actively willing and doing things to help yourself, there’s not much I can do for you.
The time will come where you’ll realize that you’re at the bottom of an abyss with no one to assist, then and only then will you fight to scrape yourself out of there with sheer hope, strength and your own ability. I’m still scraping and I’m nearing the top, it’s long and treacherous but feels amazing, cause I’ve done it myself.
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